Transcend the Bulls**t: believe in your higher self and don't let others drag you down


Easier said than done. 

Environmental and interpersonal factors are easy to blame for things going wrong, but the responsibility for your choices, your habits, your change always comes down to you.

When you are surrounded by closed-minded and repressive people,  you might struggle to cope and grow as a person. That is not to say that those people do not care about you, they just may not have grown like they could have done, if they'd travelled or experienced more than what was in front of them. If they were not simply 'replaying the tapes' of their own childhood, passing their trauma on to the next generation and if they opened their minds, then everything could flourish and grow. They could glow. But their past has kept their light dim, and now you think they want to dim yours.

Sound familiar? 

First thing to do is forgive those around you, in your own head. It is not necessarily all their fault and you can only control your own thoughts and actions. It is not your job to educate those who do not wish to learn. They will just think you are a weirdo and you need to let them. Perception is nine tenths of the law in someone's head so how you see me, how I see myself and how others see you, is like 'your truth, my truth and the actual truth,' all different perceptions of the same thing. You are not responsible for other people's perceptions of you. What others think of you is none of your business. You have to deal with the man (or woman) in the mirror.

As you know I am on my own journey of transforming into my best self, using my own techniques devised through surviving what I call a twenty-year-sh*t-storm. This was brought about by allowing my balance to be upset, taking me outside of my window of tolerance and spending twenty years coping with the aftermath, which caused more things to cope with - because I didn't have the tools to cope, and I made massive mistakes. I am creating those tools for myself and others while bringing myself back into equilibrium by sharing what I have learned and grown through.

I am also spending my whole life trying to redress the balance, working through the trauma I most certainly passed on to my children, as they lived through all of this with me. In my mind I have only ever tried to make our lives better. The bitter-sweet story is, that if I hadn't done the things I had done, or been to those places, or sank to whatever depths of despair, then I wouldn't be this writer person and my children would not be such inspired and determined people.

All of this 'tool development' is possibly a life-long task but it is one I am up for.

Taking my daughter's advice, last night, I watched a movie, Lucy. It is a very well-made film about a substance that can expand your mind to maximise cerebral capacity. Lucy, played by Scarlett Johansson, was the victim of drug traffickers and, had been forced to carry the substance in her stomach. Subsequently the bag leaked. The now, super intelligent Lucy, was talking to a university professor, who had been researching the theory of the substance (played by Morgan Freeman). She said, "All this knowledge, what do I do with it?" or words to that effect. His advice was to pass it on. So this is what I must do. If I can help one person survive any of the things I have been through. If I can stop one child losing a mother, then this has been worthwhile.

I cannot imagine for a second, that I could be this invented super-being that has so much knowledge that she becomes an enigma. However, I have been through my own personal hell, made the journey back - more than once and have learned a lot along the way: Through my travels, my musings, my lost friends, my loneliness, abandonment, homesickness, depression, trauma therapy, counselling training, several divorces, domestic violence, legal battles, emigration, with the rush of sex in the wild, rock n roll and road trips... coupled with some stand-out achievements: My four beautiful children, my job as a teacher, my postgraduate studies, my creativity and my passion. All of this comes from the most well-intentioned and kind-hearted soul who lacked self esteem for such a long time because I let others dim my light and got swept away on their wave instead of marching to the beat of my own drum.

Dimming your light for others is the most destructive and sabotaging thing you can do to yourself. It could be the root of OCD behaviours, eating disorders, addiction and impulsivity. In the book, Eating by the Light of the Moon, Anita Johnston, PhD, describes the concept of dimming your light for others and how women perceive themselves through exploring myths and stories. I found this book an empowering read. It was recommended to me by a therapist, when I was eating for comfort and wanted advice on how to stop. I was in such a state that I ended up with Type II Diabetes! I have, since, reversed this diagnosis but when it comes to making changes, things don't change if things don't change. What I really mean by this, is that there are co-morbid factors that enable bad habits to form and, to change the habit or pattern, you have to also alter other things. I will discuss some of the ways to deal with this, in detail, in further posts.

This poem I wrote, is really a collection of various wisdom phrases that I have picked up for improving self esteem and forgiving yourself. For real change, making the move, can be very complicated and difficult; with a web to unpick and interwoven emotions. Sometimes, by being still we can feel the right path. It can still take years for the rest of your brain and body to catch up with what needs to be done. Practicing stillness, mindfulness and having some space can help you find the answers. They are inside you.

Here is a piece of music I wrote to help relaxation... The idea is that you chill out for ten mindful minutes with some relaxing music on low in the background. Once you are rested, you can think about the other stuff. If you say "relax and let go." as a mantra when a thought comes into your head, then you might be able to control your thoughts; being mindful of your body and muscles that need to be relaxed.

If you find your mind starts to go crazy with things you mustn't forget, have a pen and paper handy. Spend the first ten minutes trying to rest but then just write things down as they worry you. You can deal with them after you are rested. Once you have everything out of your head and onto paper, you are safe in the knowledge that you won't forget to deal with those things. At this stage it is wise to set an alarm, if you have a school run or need to be somewhere later. That way you can truly rest.

Once you have your list, your alarm set and everything in order, have another go and really rest your mind. Do not give up on the process, if you have had a rough trot or you have a busy mind, it will take a few goes. The key is to avoid getting frustrated by the fact that you may struggle to rest your mind. Try Ocean breathing techniques to aid relaxation, maybe do some stretches before settling down. I like how Pau explains detaching from thoughts in this video:

Time to rise:

The point is: Rise up. Rise above all that is petty and ignorant. Rise above simple physical cravings and destructive thoughts and habits. Transcend all of that, transcend the noise and bullsh*t from others. You are your own supreme power and you can do anything because your mind is strong.

In future blogs I will be writing about giving up smoking, exercise, nutrition, mediation, trauma recovery, stress relief, all the ways I can muster on how to transcend the bullsh*t in many scenarios and believe in your self while trying not to make any more cock ups along the way.

The poem, Things Don't Change If Things Don't Change, appears in these books:


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